on Whitney...

i caught the replay of Houston's funeral last night at 3 am (blame it on giving into a can of pepsi max...)  my caffeine altered state powered me through the entire replay...

i knew it was airing earlier in the day but i had to go take care of myself...i had a morning filled with working out, food shopping...a massage.  Whitney even crossed my mind.

there had been debate in the days earlier.  why were the flags being flown half staff?  why were we celebrating a drug addict?  i listened to it all but didn't jump to any conclusions.  i did voice that flags being flown half staff was a political ploy by the smart Christie...looking for the black vote.  hate that politics mar even something as sacred as death.

while many want to remember Whitney and her rough moments...i choose to celebrate what she meant to me by writing this post.  after watching the funeral wrap up around 5 or 6 am...the one sentence that floated through my mind was this - who are we to judge?  who are WE to judge?

the most recent memory of Whitney i have is the interview by Oprah.  i caught it by accident when it aired originally.  and i remember thinking ....thank you.  i'm rooting for you.  she seemed real...she spoke about her mother, her marriage, her daughter...her troubles, her drugs.  i remember watching then and rooting for one reason...because of her own influence in my life.

the last few weeks, even before Whitney's passing, the voices of my youth have been on my mind.  a couple of weeks ago, i found myself defending Madonna....before she rocked the superbowl, i engaged in that debate too.  like them or not, madonna, whitney, celine...these were voices that travelled decades with me.

but in my earliest decade, when i was finding my own voice...i remember Whitney.  and the lyrics of her early songs.

music was a mixed bag in my home growing up.  my father saw it as an art and a curse at the same time. he was afraid of losing his daughter to lyrics that were too grown up...he'd rush to shut the radio off at any mention of "love".  i think it's silly now.  i thought it was ridiculous then.  and as any rebellious teen, i would not only listen to them over and over but i would write the lyrics down on paper and practice them myself...1 % to enrage dad...and 99% because those songs transcended me to a place that i didn't know yet...the place that i dreamed of - my own future.

growing up in a repressed house hold, music, music videos were a source of escape for me...a place to dream...of "the greatest love of all", "i just wanna dance with somebody..".  in fact, if i remember correctly, my first exposure to Whitney and where i was captured by her was an episode of Silver Spoons :)  she was gorgeous and oh, that voice.

i don't know about all the girls i hang with now...most wouldn't admit standing in front of a mirror and belting out ballads by the great Whitney.  i did.  i only dreamt of being her.  if she could do it, maybe i could do it.

it's funny now..the lyric that stands out to me most...as i'm writing now is ..."learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all..."

i feel sad that i learned that lesson in the subsequent decades...i learned that loving myself was the greatest love of all....but that she lost that lesson.  it must be so hard, this fame.  to be scrutinized and judged constantly.  to have your mistakes magnified.  to have people that don't know you tearing you down.  it must have been hard.

was it worth it?  i'm not sure.  for her mother and daughter, perhaps they are pondering that now.  i feel it was worth it.  to have a gift like that and to not have shared it would have been a loss...

i decided to download an upbeat Whitney song onto my ipod today....not the ballads of my youth but he fast tempo "your love is my love..." because that's how i feel....we're all here for that reason.  to love and be loved.  at least in her life, she had that.  her mother, her daughter and by her own words even her ex.

i imagine many at the funeral yesterday didn't expect to outlive Whitney Houston.  i'm sure her mother, her aunties, her pastor, clive owens all felt she had a long life ahead of her.  life and career ahead of her.

but she didn't.  they outlived her.  she passed on.  but as with any great artist....her art lives on.

rest in peace whitney.  i choose not to judge.  thank you for giving me the words in my youth, putting music to the dreams i was only developing and some dreams i haven't even yet lived.  i am rooting for you...thank you.

2012!

it's 2012!!!!!!!!!!!! happy new year!!!  life is fabulous.  so many things going on.  pursuing health counseling in my spare time - have an exam this week - must study.

getting the year off to a great start - still training twice a week, still eating clean - gained a little over the holidays but Jan is off to a great start!

2011 ended with a flurry of activity...between hosting 45 at my house on Christmas, the Christmas play, endless shopping and then the V and S's shower...it was crazy but fun.  of course there was a little drama - i felt i was being made to feel guilty about my decision about ending my relationship with CJ....but it had to be done.  Now CJ is going around telling everyone that we will bury the hatchet ....ummm i don't think so. superfluous people don't have a place...my life is filled with too many fabulous people i can't find the time to see so the rest don't stand a chance.

so i'm watching TV as i write this...it's about women and plastic surgery.  how the trend continues to grow...i'm split on it.  i think it should always be an option (i may need it someday :) but i think some take it to extremes.  i was watching kim kardashian on her reality show the other day and her forehead DOES NOT MOVE.  it's not natural.  you can't have an expression with that much botox in your head.

similarly i was working out with the trainer the other day when one of his clients approached me - she works at a plastic surgeons office...she does not look natural...her face has been pulled in so many directions it was not easy to talk to her....i was thinking you are not good advertising for his office - stop talking.

so the solution - must find a good plastic surgeon that does natural looking procedures and have in back pocket for when aging takes over...for now...i'm good :)

alrightly, must be productive today!  happy happy new year :)  let's make it a good one!

i know...i know...it's been a long time!

wow...it's been a long hiatus hasn't it?  the strangeness of it all is that i sooooo different than the woman that used to write this blog...so different.  in fact i look through some of the past entries and wish i could have given that girl a wake up call...a shake...a "less analyzing, more living..." talk.  but then this is how we live...and this is how we grow...so what have i been up to? 

i'm not sure where i left off but the last 5 years have been a whirlwind.  i lost myself, found a better part of myself...learned to glean joy from people, opportunities and mostly myself.

that's what i say when i say i don't recognize that girl...i am happy on the outside and inside...i glow...and it's not because some amazing man came into my life or all my dreams came true...but because i came alive :)  i learned to love myself.  flaws and all.  and from that stemmed beautiful things...

i feel blessed in everyway...and i wouldn't want to be anyone other than me!

so some big things...i decided not to relocate in June and left my job.  i took six months off and took classes, relaxed, got some health things taken care of...it was a nice break.  i still haven't warmed up to finding a job but i will start in January.

i also dated, got out there and started to circulate...i invited friends in, weeded some out. 

most of all, i have grown in so many ways...i have matured.  i also learned that power is not to be abused..not that i ever did that but i see that when given to the wrong person, it can cause havoc.  having power bestowed on you is a gift that comes with responsibility.  we should lift those around us....we should support the women in our lives...we should consistently and confidently be as true to ourselves as possible.

see what i mean when i say i glow?

i have my moments.  all is not perfect.  but the lesson i learned in the last 5 years was to be and act as authentically as possible.  i spent so much time pleasing others in my "last" life...life is much easier when you show your real self to your friends, family and strangers...it makes life so much more palatable and joyful. 

love has come and gone...self love appeared in resplendent amounts, i've now taken on a journey where i help others find the joy in life that i did...and in the mean time i continue to seek more out :) 

i hope to re-join my writing efforts here even if it's to record the most mundane of events.  my musings.  irritances...joys...wisdoms...let's see :)  let's see ...

missed you all.

Apple.

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/jesse-james-kat-von-d-are-engaged/54574?nc

ok so Sandra Bullock should be happy she's out of this.  i wish they had  a split picture of SB and this new chick.  this other woman is scary.

and so it's been more than a year...

i'm sorry dear readers for such a long hiatus.  it was not purposeful.  life was just busy.  and that was a good thing.  i realized one thing about blogging.  while it was a great outlet for so many years, it was also a place to analyze and re-hash life over and over again.  i thought it better to just put the "pen" down for a bit and just go...live :) and this i did.

i lost 20 pounds in the meantime.  and i feel fantastic.  15 pounds to go and feeling better than ever.  i knock push ups out like a guy and my 2011 goal is...pull ups :)

on the dating scene i am getting out there and optimistic.  i am having FUN.  :)

life is good.  i just wanted to stop in and say hello because i know so many of you still check in on me...i will try to be a bit more religious about updating!

in the meantime, i have started a new blog.  some of you will hear about it.  i'm excited about it to say the least.  very very exciting.

the dream

i deserve the dream that i've always dreamt for myself. and i'm not going to wait till 2010 to start reaching for it. i'm going to start...now.

courage

as defined by an online dictionary...

the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain etc without fear; bravery.

the heart as a source of emotion.

in some areas of my life i have had boundless amounts of courage. and in others i have been crippled by the opposite of courage - cowardice.

why, one would ask? because i'm scared. i hide behind words like "commitment phobe" or that "i was born to live outside of convention". but the truth is i'm scared. i'm scared i won't be enough, i'm scared of change.

when one has lived alone for so long as i have ...the prospect of living any other way is frightening.

and so when opportunity comes my way, i turn and look away.

but i stand at a true crossroads today. there are two paths that lie in front of me. one where i face my fears and another where i let fear take over and live in a different way and away from the dreams i have had.

over the course of the past year and 1/2 i've looked away. all the choices i am making would make you think i'm choosing the path where i let the fears take over.

but the flame to extinguish this fear still burns....it's a low flame but it's there.

it's my choice.

another definition.

love.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

i'm not sure i have what it takes. or that i still know how to recognize it.

but recognizing it is just half the battle. accepting it is a whole another ball game.

what i choose to do still remains to be seen.

but whatever my choice....it has to be made.

in three years, i have changed profoundly. i have profoundly changed. i have blossomed into a whole different person. a person i like. a person that i think someone else might like.

and if that's worth anything, than perhaps letting go of fear is the only answer....

home

a new dream for an old house.

well not a very old house. just a house that's been mine for 2.3 years. today i took the day off to show it some love. not in the traditional sense (cleaning etc) but to really think about what I want all this space to mean to me.

it's starting to take shape but needs a little more refinement and love....

so amidst a sea of catalogs, decorating books, my scissors and glue to make concept boards with paint chips and swatches...off I go :)

i know...

it's been a long time. but the break has been good. Started FBD yesterday - feel great. i'm feeling the need to change appletina to a new blog. this one has run it's course. i've changed - they say every seven years a person has an entirely new set of skin...I think I'm in new skin.

dads...

so father's day just passed and we marked it with a ball game...it was great fun but both the bro and i noticed that dad is not the same - it seems like overnight, he has aged. we worried that day and the day after so i had him over on Sunday and made him feel needed. I pointed out a door that needed fixing ....while i was busy doing something else, he ran to HD and fixed the door for me. then surprisingly last night I received a call - he asked if he could stop by. i said sure. In he walks in with netting for my sliding glass screen door...all the piping, the tools to fix it. He said I know you are really bothered by the holes the previous owner left in your screen door - let's fix it. And before you knew it...voila, fixed.

Only a dad. only a dad could care that much. he keeps an eagle eye on the things i need. i appreciate that now. i was always angry at him for all the things he did wrong. but i realize he, like i, was human.

the art...and the heart of chinese art

so a couple of days ago, when i should have been working on my plan (like i should be doing now) i scurried over to a Moganshan Lu - it's a very cool old space where an abandoned factory/warehouse was converted into little hidden art spaces. contemporary art thrives there. what strikes you when you enter is how quiet the space seems even though it's situation in a bustling part of Shanghai. the feeling is further enhanced because the art spaces are hidden behind doors and you have to venture down little alleys, corridors and stairs to see the artists work.

i read an interesting article before i went there. it talked about how, before this latest economic crisis, chinese artist were treated like ATMs. i have seen it here on my past trips - artists work like machinese just reproducing endless art for commerical purposes. but with the economic woes that's hit the globe- the article referenced the fact that now, the chinese artist actually has the space, time and mind in which to create for the love of art and not for the love of money.

art is so subjective. i can say that not one piece that i came across did i want to buy. it didn't speak to me. it was disturbing and i could not connect. however what i did connect with was the feeling that these artist are trying to communicate. threads of being muzzled, terror, sex, governement, trying to be different in a mass of a billion people...these elements all came through.

my most winning moment during my excursion was when i came across this huge statue of a man. it's so big and comical! he made me smile ;) walking through Monganshan Lu, was an interesting experience - i'm in a foreign place after all. walking up creaky steps takes some courage :)

but it was worth it. oddly enough, i connected more with the exterior of the different art spaces than the art inside. the artists don't leave their doors open for the most part - you have to be courageous enough to push a big door open - some of the doors are hidden - making you wonder how to get to the space in the first place. Big old doors with bolts and locks - i wanted to take some of the doors home they were so cool :)

i wouldn't say the ordinary person would enjoy this place. it takes up half a day and when you leave you're not quite sure how you feel about the place - you're a little disturbed by the art itslef and then on the other hand you feel an exhale in that place - an exhale of expression - something that is not bred as normal practice in that population. to be individual or different in this country is not standard practice. it was nice to breathe in the folks that dared to be...different.

the lazy writer that i am...

ok so i was outed yesterday morning. i had gone for a workout and was thinking my friend indigo was going to stop by...for the first time in a very long time, my house is organized enough so i'm not embarrassed to have people stop by anytime.

instead she said come to X as she was meeting with some new folks (all writers). i had to profess that i was the "lazy writer" as ...this is true. have not felt a true connection to the written word since the screenplay fiasco and my writing since have all been self indulgent, droning posts about my life, mostly my travails. you never hear me say "what a great day!" and if i ever do go there, it's the inevitable response to a few days of artistic wallowing (pity).

but don't most artists live in this quagmire of hope and despair, black and white and constant fuzzy gray? we're not normal. i believe to be a good writer, you can work hard and make it happen but to be a great writer you have to let yourself emotionally go to places a lot of people aren't comfortable...that's the type of writing that makes the reader...feel something.

so i've spent all this time feeling and travelling but hardly writing :) what can i say, i'm a writer that doesn't write?

anyway, during the conversation i mentioned blogging and then said the name. and thus have been outed. sure, indigo and others know about my blogsite but it's been a narrow enough group of folks that i forget that people i know are reading...which makes it that much easier to not a) have to sound intelligent and b) worry about what people might think.

oh well...it's been a long time since i've felt the urge to do something creative. but i'm still not sure if the written word is the next step. i feel like putting picture and words and music together are where my heart lies...maybe another screenplay.

regardless...thanks indigo. you are always an inspiration and my lifeline when it comes to writing...even though i fall through large lapses of motivation your enthusiasm still keeps the light flicker of a flame burning...

in the mean time, my lazy writer syndrome is comforted by what Betsy Lerner says in her first chapter of The Forest for the Trees - a book about writing and writers. She describes the personality of writers and the insanity with which they are affected...in that very first chapter i thought..hmm, that's me :)

let's see where the creative spark takes us...

letting go...

i tend to be guarded about many things. walls galore. defenses galore. i have a nice way about me so you don't always notice the walls. in fact you may think you're getting to know me when in fact, you have no idea.

i have been toying with something for some time now. in the back of my mind, in the back of my heart. i have been looking for answers in the wrong places. it's kind of like my house. people said, don't rush. don't try to decorate all at once. and they were right...the things I did that took time and thought, those are the things that I love and cherish now. the things that I did in haste are the ones that I sit back and go, hmmm...was that the right decision. once i let the house breathe and i let myself breathe in the house, things started to naturally fall in place.

and i do rush sometimes. either i do nothing or ...i rush. perhaps last week i said too much. i'm not sure. god knows who you confide in these days. is it your girlfriends? colleagues? strangers? but that is also a pattern...i say it all...and then i get scared and i walk away.

i walked away in a sense today. but this time i think it's the right decision. i think it's right for me to free up some space and think...and just breathe.

i'm scared. unknowns suck. but the truth about life is that you don't always get an answer. just questions. and i think you have succeeded somewhat in life when you are okay with that. open ended questions. life is after all the biggest open ended question of all. why should we expect any less of the many situations that make up the moments of our lives?

i don't know what tomorrow will bring. but tonight, i'm rushed, excited and quiet and contemplative at the same time. it's like brilliance and stupidity at the same time. i hope i land somewhere in the middle.

The New Year

I have never been a big fan of the big New Years Eve celebrations. I never understood the pomp and circumstance attached to turning the page on the calendar when we do it without signifgance the other 11 times a year.

This year I was down with a stomach virus - my entire vacation was spent either being busy after others or being sick. New Years Eve was the first day I could actually keep something down without feeling a massive eruption in the tummy and then halfway up my throat.

But something was different about me at the end of 2008. I actually think my boss summarized it well at the end of the year during my review. I had a steller review at the end of the year and I was pleased as I had really worked hard this year ...and he said with all the folks he spoke to, they said that while I had always been a steller preformer and a hard worker and a leader...in the last year they had witnessed a certain sense of maturity and confidence with which I handled dfifficult situations.

I feel as though that was true - I learned what battles to fight, which ones to leave alone. While I had always intended to give others credit for the job they were doing, sometimes it's hard when you're rushing to get everything done - I stopped and did that as well. When I stood up in front of the business unit on my last working day and gave a presentation, I felt as though not I, but we the team, had done a fabulous job.

In my personal life, I have also experienced a maturing of sorts. I am by nature, 1 part child because I never really got to be one and 1 part old soul. But in the middle somewhere there was this unsuredness, insecurity, not sure what direction to go, what to believe, who to trust....this gray area that would envelop all the other decisions I needed to make in my personal life.

In 2008, somewhere in the middle of the year, I felt that gray area evaporating. I have now accepted the fact that I am, despite my past, a very loving individual. I have many many things that I add to the lives of others and why not celebrate that vs. focusing in on all the things I perhaps am lacking in?

This realization made me happier...happier in my friendships, happier with myself. It made all of my relationships better and unfortunately caused me to also cut a few off. Lessening stress allowed me focus in on the goodness that surrounds me.

And boy am I surrounded by goodness. I am in constant awe of all the things that God has given me or as more independent women would say "I have earned". I am also a little bit in awe of the one thing that he has not yet allowed me in life. I feel as though even that is with reason. Perhaps I would not have appreciated it. Maybe I can now and maybe he will allow it now. But that's not a focus for me.

At the end of 2008 -despite a string of bad luck - identity stolen, car accident, leaky roof, sicknesses, leg injury etc...I found myself content and smiling. I am hoping that in my thirties I can acheive what my friends in their forties say they have found - self acceptance. You stop caring about what other's think and do what's best for you.

All in all, usually on New Years Eve, I'm wishing for it to be over so I can hope that the next year can be better. But this year I had no reason to say, "I can't wait for this year to be over". 2008 was in fact, a good year. I spent time on the house, I started to get stronger, I started to carve out time for myself without making others feel like I was leaving them out.

Life is not perfect by any means. I still have the occassional bouts of doubt and tears...but I am optomistic about my life. I am happy. :)

thoughts on a rainy sunday

i know. i haven't written in a long time. life has been busy. (always a good thing). but today i've had the day to myself ( a rare occassion) and it has been one of those contemplative days - a day when many people, past and present pass through the avenues of your mind...you think of those lost, those living that you know are losing battles with death...and people that you'd like to get to know better but are at a loss as to how.

love passes through your mind - the love you have, the love you don't. the love you want and the love you lost. i smiled a lot today as i completed mundane task after mundane task. i listened to soulful music - my chuan spa CD. I caught my favorite holiday flick on tv and couldn't resist watching for the 100th time. and in the middle of the afternoon, after struggling with x-mas decorations and circuit breakers and such, i lay down in the bedroom, something which has become and evolved into quite the oasis. there, even on a rainy day, the light of day filtered into the room and I listened to the rain. it's still falling. i lay there for I don't know, 20 minutes. and i just reflected.

i'm about to leave the house now. one last holiday gathering for November 2008. but the last thought I had before I sat down to write was "how to be brave in love". i think loving someone and allowing someone to love you requires immense amounts of courage.

and with that said, i say goodnight.